I have been struggling with whether or not to write this. Since I decided to write something I have been struggling with what to write. Most people know that I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. At first the pregnancy seemed to be going just fine, but there was always something. Some feeling that I had that things weren't the way they should be. After a few weeks I went in and had an ultrasound. All I can say is it's pure torture to have your ultrasound done on a Thursday and have to wait till Monday for the results.
Anyway, the ultrasound confirmed my suspicions. Even though I felt like something wasn't right it didn't make it any easier. I would have been ten weeks a couple of days after the miscarriage. And I know people meant well, but a lot of people just made things worse. My emotions were all over the place. I never really got a chance to grieve. I felt forced to push through and just move on with life. I know I needed to take time to grieve. Time to cry and cry till I had no more tears. I had a very good friend tell me that I needed to do that. That it actually helps to heal to just have a physical release of all things emotional and physical. I should have listened to her, but I truly never had the time. I had a family to take care of and I am okay I guess. I have times (weeks in between) where something just triggers a complete emotional breakdown.
And this brings me to the real reason I am writing this. Children. My children. Your children. Please....please....please.... if there has been a loss in your family (grandparent, parent, aunt, uncle, baby, cousin, sibling, etc) make sure your children grieve if they need to. My boys seemed to just move on with life. No big deal. Big T doesn't ever mention the baby. Little E will say things like, "the baby died. The baby is with Jesus." But that is about it. Sweet E on the other hand is a completely different story. She took the miscarriage almost as hard as I did. And I thought she was fine....until today
Boy, do I feel like a horrible parent. Tonight during the evening church service we came across a picture Sweet E drew a month or so ago. It was a picture of a baby, Jesus, and a heart with a cross and Heaven written in the middle of it. She drew it for our baby. Tears immediately came to my eyes. I hugged her and thanked her for the picture. Sweet E got a little teary eyed too and I thought that was it. Next thing I know she bursts into tears in the middle of church. I took her out in the hallway to hold her and talk to her. She just kept crying and crying and crying. Oh how my heart ached for my baby girl. She has such a tender heart. I ended up just holding her and having her tell me what she was feeling. How? How did I not do this sooner? She doesn't understand death and loss. She needed me to tell her it was okay to cry. To grieve. I feel like I deprived her of true healing.
After church she couldn't stop crying. She sobbed the whole way home. I dropped off Beloved, Big T, Little E, and Special K at home for dinner. I took Sweet E and we just went to W@lMart to pick up frozen asparagus. I know it sounds silly, but it was just spending time with her and letting her know that everything will be okay. Reassuring her that the Lord will help us through. That we WILL heal from this but we will never be the same. But we will heal. We will.
Before we made it to the store I stopped to put a few dollars of gas in the tank. As I was coming to the gas station Sweet E, in tears, said, "Mama, I think my heart is broken." Of course, hearing that just broke my heart. So please, let your children grieve. Tell them it's okay to cry. To talk about what happened. I held a lot back after the miscarriage and apparently Sweet E tried to do the same thing.
So, I know this post isn't eloquent or a life changing. But I just felt I needed to write this down. To share a little of what our family is going through. And please..(don't take offense to what I am going to write.) if you have friends or family that loose a child (through miscarriage, illness, accident, etc.), think before you speak. Just say your sorry for their loss. Let them know you are there for them, but if you have never been through their situation don't try to help. We know you mean well, but the ones grieving don't take it that way. Don't tell me....."You already have x number of kids. So-and-So had it worse than you. So-and-so has been trying to have children and they don't have any. So you shouldn't be upset by loosing just one." Miscarriage doesn't involve just tissue. It's a BABY! And it hurts more than anyone (that hasn't been through it) can imagine. Just be there to give the women and families hugs and a shoulder to cry on. It takes just as long for the body to heal after a miscarriage as it does with carrying a baby for nine months and delivering. (maybe not as long for some, but it was for me) And to top off insult to injury...I (and other women) had to endure the pain of miscarrying (which is labor in a slightly milder form, the hormone changes, weight gain) and I don't have anything to show for it. I don't get to hold my little one in my arms. I don't get to snuggle with them while nursing. I don't get to kiss them good night. I don't get to see that first smile. I don't get to hear that first laugh.
So once again....please allow yourself and your children to heal from miscarriage (or any other form of loss). And if you aren't the one dealing with loss...allow your friends/family to grieve. It's necessary to heal.
I, and my family, are resting in the knowledge that our little one is heaven with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I just tell my little ones that God couldn't wait. He wanted our baby first. (How else do you explain miscarriage to a 4 year old?) If it wasn't for Jesus....well, I don't even want to think about how difficult the situation would be. I know God has a purpose for our family. He is always there for us. For me.......